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Judith
Cannon, PhD, LMFT Healing,
Growth, Creativity Enriching Our
Lives, Our Relationships, Our World |
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Devotion I want to share with you some of my
thoughts about why devotion is an important component of a vital, dynamic
relationship. First let me say, devotion is not a
state of blind rapture. Devotion is a decision, not a feeling. Devotion is a choice to
wholeheartedly give time, energy and attention. My beliefs about devotion
in a relationship are related to my spiritual beliefs. I believe that, like a wave is a part of
the larger ocean, each of us is part of the Universe, a manifestation of the
Divine. I am a manifestation of the Divine. My partner is a manifestation of
the Divine. By choosing to devote myself to her, I have the opportunity, as
Sluyter says, to “have breakfast with the infinite.” The choice to devote
myself to my partner provides an opportunity to awaken. Instead of fantasizing about the person of
my dreams, I devote myself to the real person in my life and thereby awaken.
My relationship provides an opportunity to practice mindfulness, an
opportunity to experience a connection to that which is larger than I am. Devotion involves setting
my intention to see the Divine in the flawed human being before me. I will see what I am looking for. If I
look for the infinite I will see the infinite. If I look for the flaws, I
will see the flaws. Devotion allows us to see the infinite in our partner at
each moment. We are not blind to the flaws, but we can learn to be amused by
them rather than irritated with them. Equally valuable, but perhaps even
harder is learning to be amused at our own human flaws and mistakes. Devotion is a sense of awe
at the treasure of another human being before me. If I remember we are each manifestations
of the universe, I can better appreciate our differences. I can avoid the
self-righteousness of believing my way is the right way of thinking, being or
doing. Devoting ourselves will open our hearts and fill us with compassion
that expands beyond the relationship. Devotion involves seeking
to understand someone while realizing I can never fully understand
another person who changes with each breath.
Just as I seek to understand the Universe and my place in it, I seek to
understand my partner. Devotion means giving up the false belief that I know
what my partner will say or do. Devotion involves a willingness to continue
to be surprised. Devotion appreciates mystery. Devotion means I love the
whole package. I let go of control and attempts to change
your partner. Attempts to change another person don’t work anyway and they do
create frustration and resentment. Why not try loving your partner as s/he
is? Devotion does not mean
being a doormat or being co-dependent. Devotion asks that I honor
my partner and myself by speaking up, saying what I want, saying what upsets
me. Research indicates relationships that last are the ones in which five
kind, supportive things are said for each one critical thing. Remember to keep
a 5-to-1 ratio, or better. Also, remember that I-messages work. Tell your
partner what you are experiencing, not what is wrong with her/him. Devotion in a couple’s
relationship also brings up a larger question.
What are you as a couple devoted to? Perhaps you have fallen in love, built
some stability and are wondering what is next. Perhaps you have been together
a long time and have a sense of boredom or emptiness. Times like these
provide an opportunity to review your individual and shared lives. What is
the larger purpose in your life? What do you want to build together? How do
you maintain your sense of being connected to something larger than
yourselves? |
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Devotion |
