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Judith
Cannon, PhD, LMFT Healing,
Growth, Creativity Enriching Our
Lives, Our Relationships, Our World |
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Rituals of Connection Based on the research of John M. Gottman,
Ph.D. and William Doherty’s book The Intentional Family Creating the relationship and family that
you desire takes awareness, intention and effort. Without care, your
connection will slip away. Rituals are acts that you repeat on a regular
basis. Rituals are habits that are chosen, created and practiced. The rituals
below are designed to build connection. Some are daily rituals, some are for
special occasions. As you and your spouse decide what rituals
to create in your relationship, begin by discussing what these practices were
like in the family you grew up in. If they produced positive experiences and
connection, you may want to recreate what you experienced in your family. If
they created negative experiences, decide how you want to do them
differently. Morning Rituals: Think together about how mornings can be
times of connection when everyone is sent off with positive wishes and a good
spirit. Leave Taking: When you leave, be sure you know at least
one thing that is going to happen in your partner’s life that day. Reunions: When coming back home give an affectionate
greeting—a loving kiss that lasts several seconds (not a peck on the cheek). The reunion
stress-reducing conversation: Each person gets to talk
abut what was stressful that day (not about the relationship), and to receive
support. Mealtimes: Come together at meals and share the events
of the day. Each person gets a chance to talk. Make meals an environment of
peace, affection, support, and attention. Avoid conflicts during
dinner. Gratitude: Each evening have family members say what
they are grateful for. Keep a shared gratitude journal After meal (or after kid
bedtime) coffee or tea: Create a tradition of peace
and connection at the end of the day. Use the
Daily Temperature Reading Bedtimes: Going to bed is a time when there can be
cuddling, physical affection, letting go of tension and irritability. Share a
real kiss before going to sleep. Pray together Meditate together Create altars Read together Dates and getaways: Couples need time with each other, without
the children. We recommend a weekly date and a weekend getaway 3 times a
year. When one person is sick: Talk to each other ahead of time about what
feels good when you are sick. Celebrations of a triumph:
Build a culture of celebration and praise
Have a seat of honor, a special plate or special meals to celebrate. Celebrating your
relationship: Celebrate anniversaries. Retell to each
other, to children or to friends, the story of your meeting. Rituals surrounding
entertaining: The idea of bringing friends home can lead
to important rituals of connection for a couple and for children. Rituals surrounding
initiating and refusing lovemaking and talking about lovemaking: These are very important events that often
get left for the very end of the day when everyone is exhausted and has
little left for tenderness, or for facing potential rejection. Couples tend
to hold an ideal that these events should be “spontaneous,” but remember when
you were dating, romantic times were planned and anticipated with excitement.
Plan and/or set the stage for lovemaking. Learn to say “no” in ways that
deepen your connection rather than damage it. Vacations: Plan vacations together as a family. Create
excitement and connection before, during and after the vacation. |
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Rituals of Connection |
